So let's get started...
1. You're young and still living off mom and dad because you're in college. You worry about you're grades. You're trying to figure out the opposite sex. You hang out with your friends whenever you want and have important discussions about things that are not important in the real world. If this is you, you totally dig the Honda Civic. Toyota Corolla and Honda Accord are acceptable alternatives. If you come from a family rolling around in money these options simply won't do. You must be seen driving down Main street in either a BMW or Benz. Rich or not, a subset of you love your car so much that you lower it, add Nitro, change the exhaust pipe to make it sound like a video-game car, and put various Asian words and pictures all over it. This is what you lovingly refer to as your Rice Rocket.
2. You're still young. You've graduated from college. You have a decent job so you have a lot of expendable income. You work hard and party even harder. Espressos and Red Bulls keep you going because you rarely sleep. If this is you, you have visited countless BMW and Benz dealers in hopes of owning German Engineering. Some of you actually drop down $50k or more for it. The rest of you think it's too steep a price to pay so you happily settle for a Honda Accord or Toyota Camry, but you never stop looking for deals that will land you a BMW or Benz at a price you consider affordable. A small subset of you are very sentimental and spend an embarrassingly huge chunk of your income Rice-Rockify your ride until it barely functions.
3. You are no longer considered young. You're married with kids. You're asleep by 9am every night. You can't wait to have some downtime to stay home and watch the Travel Channel. If this is you, you roam around suburbia in a Honda Odyssey or a Toyota Sienna shuttling your kids between soccer practice, piano lessons, and Chinese school. Your minivan is a shining display of your fuddy-duddyness. This really bothers you because you are still clinging onto the image of yourself when you were young and hip. A good percentage of you actually do something about it by splurging on a luxury SUV to mask the fuddy-duddy inside of you. SUVs from BMW, Mercedes, Lexus, or Infiniti work just fine. You're not that selective because you're desperately clinging onto something that you're losing - your former cool self. You don't even consider Rice-Rockify anything because at this point in your life it's just flat out embarrassing to even admit you used to do it.
4. You're old. Your kids are already financially independent, but you still worry about them. When will they marry? If they're married, does their wife make them soup everyday? If this is you, you finally say "f**k it! I am getting the car I always wanted". You spend more than $100k for that dream car you wanted to buy 20 years ago. You bring home either the Lexus LS, BMW 7 Series, or the Mercedes S Class. You love it, but you can't figure out half the features it has to offer because you're too damn old and you're too damn Chinese.
5. If none of the above resonates with you because you own a Volkswagen or an Audi, I'm sorry to tell you that you've betrayed your roots and your people. You're as white as my yuppie neighbors who look like they belong in a JCrew catalog.
6. If the above still doesn't resonate with you because you own a muscle car or a pickup, I don't know how to put this gently so I'll just say it; you're a redneck stuck in a Chinese body. Bad combination. Sucks to be you.
Bottom line is this; If you're Chinese you're driving either a Honda or Toyota. If you have extra money lying around you're rolling in a BMW or Mercedes Benz. Anything else, do a little self-introspection. Double-check with your folks to understand where you really came from. I doubt you're Chinese and you should too. I feel sorry for you. You should feel sorry for you. Not everyone can be Chinese. Better luck next life.
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