Toilet Paper is Kleenex

I'm sure you've experienced something similar to this before:

You have a bit of the sniffles and you happen to be at your Chinese friend's home. Your snot splatters everywhere on your face after a good sneeze and you ask you're Chinese friend for a Kleenex.

He hands you a roll of toilet paper and you're like, "What?"

Your Chinese friend's like , "What? What?"

You're like, "Dude, this is toilet paper"

He's like, "Yeah?"

You clarify, "This is for wiping ass, not nose."

Your Chinese friend gives you a look that says, "Dude, you Americans are freakin' retarded. Toilet paper, Kleenex, does it really make that much of a difference?!"

Why the disconnect? Because...

Chinese people use toilet paper to wipe their butt cracks and their faces.

Walk into a Chinese dude's living room and you'll find a roll of toilet paper instead of Kleenex box conveniently placed on the coffee table. When you see this don't freak out, we don't use our living room as a crap-house when you're not looking. We just happen to use toilet paper much like everybody else uses Kleenex.

Chinese people use toilet paper to wipe their mouth after most of a good oily meal ends up on our lips. We use toilet paper to wipe our noses after a good snotting. We twirl toilet paper up into a little spearhead to dig gold out of our noses every morning. We even use toilet paper as those dispensable toilet covers when there's no more dispensable toilet covers in the public restrooms.

While the rest of the world is arguing over which brand of toilet paper is softer or which way the toilet paper roll is supposed to be on a toilet paper holder, we are industriously inventing new uses for toilet paper. By the summer we will use toilet paper to solve world hunger. By the end of the year we'll figure out how to create world peace with toilet paper.

One question we Chinese do have: Why is everyone who's not Chinese obsessed with using toilet paper to teepee things?

That's just wasteful. Stop it. Toilet paper should be use to clean faces and asses and in the near future create world peace.

No, not Metta World Peace. Real World Peace.