A little background on Red Envelopes...
One of the traditions of Chinese New Years is handing out Red Envelopes filled with money to anyone young and unmarried. You do a good deed at the beginning of the year to receive positive Karma for the rest of the year.
While most Red Envelopes handed out from our parents' friends are chump change because it's just a formality, the ones you get from the parents, grandparents, and rich aunts and uncles can be considered investments.
Getting Red Envelopes filled with a $1868 check from each parent, $868 from each grandparent, and $868 from each of your aunts and uncles (and you have many since you're Chinese) every Chinese New Years is pretty damn awesome.
This really empowers you when you're 10 years old. Maybe Santa didn't get you that Transformer you wanted for Christmas. Screw him. You're buying the whole collection.
Sounds pretty good, right? Well things get a little more nuanced once you get older...
You see, your parent puts all that Red Envelope money minus the amount you used to buy your Transformers in a Money Market account for you. They also make all sorts of smart investments for you so by the time you come of age you'll use the funds to purchase a BMW to impress that hot hot Korean spice girl you met at KTV (Karoake Bar).
Still good, right? Ok, hold on tight now, we're going down the rabbit hole...
You're now gonna use a good chunk of your Red Envelope Money Market fund to purchase a diamond ring and a nice condo to start a family. You're marrying that hot hot Korean spice girl because you got her pregnant. You also need some funds for a tummy tuck to ensure your hot hot Korean spice girl wife stays hot hot after giving birth.
Kaching!
Remember, Red Envelopes are only given to you when you're young and not married. Well guess what? You're married and you have a kid now. It's time for you to give and others to receive.
Karma's a bitch. $1868 every year for your kid. $868 to each of your sister's 3 kids every year. $868 to each of your brother's 2 kids every year.
Kaching! Kaching!
Don't forget about your hot hot Korean spice girl wife. You have to keep keeping her happy. The BMW becomes a Ferrari. You need to lavish her with expensive jewelry. She'll also need more plastic surgery to keep her hot hot because she getting older.
Kaching! Kaching! Kaching!
You now have a mistress that reminds you of your hot hot Korean spice girl wife before she became your wife. Gotta buy her happiness. More importantly, you gotta buy her silence because your kid and your hot hot Korean spice girl wife will leave you if they ever found out.
Kaching! Kaching! Kaching! Kaching! Kaching! Kaching! Kaching! Kaching! Kaching! Kaching!
You thank Buddha and your Ancestors every time you withdraw from your Red Envelope Money Market account. Without it, you wouldn't be able to keep up all this monkey business. You would be homeless, divorced, alone, and a complete loser. Red envelopes, they are awesome.
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