Chinese Moms have a Home Remedy for Whatever Ails You

Have you ever told a Chinese mom that something is ailing you? You have a cough that won't go away, a sore back, or a headache.

If her response was, "I have this specialist you should contact, dear", that's a dead give away that you're dealing with a mom that's holding fake Chinese credentials. It's mostly likely Ethan Hunt underneath that Chinese mom mask.

If she's a real Chinese mom she would have already gone MD on you and gave you a home remedy that sounds like she learned it from another Chinese mom while both were trippin' on LSD.

You: "I have this soreness in my left knee joint that's been lingering for a..."

Before you can even finish describing your ailment she whips out a claypot that contains a whole lot of WTF and starts treating you with it.

Chinese Mom: "This paste is perfect for sore joints. Secret recipe past down through 4 generations. Not even my husband and children know it."

You: "......."

You're speechless because the concoction she's applying to your sore knee looks like dog turd and smells like a fish market. Just as you start to wonder how she came up with this, she asks you to show her your tongue.

Chinese Mom: "Show me your tongue."

You oblige. What else can you do while she's rubbing dog dodo on your left knee?

Chinese Mom: "Not good. Your energy is not balance. You have too much heat. That's why your knee won't heal."

While you're wondering what 'having too much heat' means, she whips out a bowl of herbal soup. It's dark as ink and smells like ganja that's been slow-cooked inside lamb testicles stuffed inside camel intestines for 2 weeks.

Chinese Mom: This herbal soup is for balancing your heat. Made from blah, blah, blah, blah, and blah...

You can't make out most of the ingredients because it's a cacophony of stuff that only have Chinese names.

Chinese Mom: "Drink now while hot. One big gulp. Be good boy."

Again you oblige. You have no idea why, but you suspect it's punishment for allowing a harmless 60-year-old Chinese woman to rub dog crap on your left knee.

You swallow. Take a deep breath. Immediately the stench of the soup permeates into your nose. Now the smell of ganja that's been slow-cooked inside lamb testicles stuffed inside camel intestines for 2 weeks is etched into your cranium. You do all you can to fight your gagging reflex for the next few minutes. Just as you're about to hurl, she shoves a mouthful of 3-year-old Halloween candy down your throat. Suddenly you're as right as rain.

Treatment done for today. She hands you 5 packets and tell you to repeat this home remedy for the next 5 days. She also tell you that she'll call your mom to give her instructions on what to do with the 5 packets of WTF.

You leave with dog turd wrapped around your left knee, smelling like a fish market, the stench of lamb testicles and camel intestines tickling your nostrils, 3-year-old Halloween candy in your mouth, and 5 packets that ensure you'll go through this torment again for the rest of the week.

Happy times!

Strangely enough, you feel your energy is more balanced (whatever the heck that means). Your knee is not as sore. It's probably because you're so focused on the stench of ganja, lamb testicles, and camel intestines making a permanent home in your booger canal that you can care less about your knee. All the same, you're damaged enough to start believing in her witchcraft.

Sounds like a bunch of boloney? Have a chat with any Chinese mom, particularly the Cantonese ones. Have a chat with MY MOM. Just a few weeks back I was dealing with a very bad cough. I try to keep my illnesses secret from her for fear of being submitted to her home remedies. She somehow finds out and show up at my condo within the hour. In 15 minutes, she whips up a batch of hell that consists of overly ripened bananas, honey, salt, chopped chili peppers, and something green and mushy that smells of seaweed and rotten eggs she found in her garden (Don't try this at home, kids). She forces it down my throat and tells my wife to repeat this for the next 5 days or until I stop coughing.

Felt like mom learned this home remedy in a passing conversation with another Chinese mom? Check. Want to hurl? Check. Can't Listerine that stench out of my breath? Check. So traumatized by what was ingested that I stopped coughing so that I don't have to go through that again? You bet.

That is why, even in this day and age, every Chinese mom has a home remedy for whatever ails you.

Classic: According to Russell Peters, Indian and Chinese Cannot Do Business Together

Classic Russell Peters...

Indian and Chinese cannot do business together. Enjoy...

BE A MAN! DO DE RHY FING!

Chinese People Love Their Ear Picks

Do you know what these things are?

If you're Chinese the answer should be 'yes'. If you're Chinese and the answer is 'no', start questioning your Chinese credentials. If you're not Chinese I feel sorry for you. Sorry enough to tell you what they are: ear picks, aka ear spoons, aka ear scoops.

I have at least one of these lying around every room in my house. Why? Because I'm Chinese and we Chinese love our ear picks.

In fact, just 30 minutes ago I whipped out one of these bamboo instruments of pleasure from my jean pocket, shoved it into my asian ear hole, and went digging for gold. Few minutes into pleasuring my hearing orifice I pulled out a big ball of gold. This ball of ear booger is so mesmerizing. I can't stop examining it. I put it under a magnifying glass. I examine every nook and cranny. I eventually decide to preserve it for my wife, kids, and future grandchildren to see.

That, my friend, is a (disturbing) example of why Chinese people love their ear picks.

Let me summarize. Chinese people love their ear picks because...

1. It feels damn good. Especially when the wife is spelunking your ear canals with one of these bamboo wonders

2. It is very satisfying when you strike gold. The best is when you go on a business trip for a week or so without your ear pick. Come home, grab the nearest one within your reach, and start digging. Guaranteed to find a golden ball of a keeper every time.

These cotton swabs are a waste of time...

Be Chinese...

Stick with the pick...

Just like this dude...

Chinese People Love Their Slippers

Ever wonder why there's always a pile of shoes near the front door of every Chinese person's house? Because Chinese people are totally in love with their slippers. They cannot be without them when at home. Wearing shoes are forbidden when in the house so everyone has a pair of slippers for lounging around at home. Our slippers always look something like this...

Tacky you say? but to us Chinese they are a thing of beauty and a source of comfort.

We always keep a few extra pairs around for guests because it would be totally wrong for a guest to wear shoes inside the house and yet it would be extremely awkward to have them walk around barefoot like a caveman. In fact, one time my mother went into a comatose state when we had to let a neighbor into our house with their shoes on because of a foot problem. Mom never invited him back. No wear slippers! No friend!

The Chinese go into panic mode when they can't find their slippers. They'll refuse to go anywhere until they find them. I've seen it happen with my own eyes. The rest of family starts elaborate search parties for the missing slippers. Flashlight. Infrared goggles. Bloodhounds. Forensic evidence. Private detectives. You name it and it's being use to hunt down the missing slippers.

The house could be on fire and we would not make a run for the door until our feet are wrapped around the precious precious comfort of our $3.99 slippers. Such attachment to slippers is not normal for the average American, but absolutely normal to us because Chinese people are totally in love with their slippers.

Shall we begin?

Hi all. Quick introduction...

My name is Tony Wong. I am caricature of a Chinese American. I am raised in the San Francisco Bay Area so my viewpoints on all things will be from this context.

I am what my Chinese parents would call an ABC or a Banana. ABC as in American Born Chinese, pretty self-explanatory. Banana as in I look Chinese, but I think and act like that white couple next door that look like they belong in a JCrew ad (Yellow on the outside. White on the inside).

Though I was brought up in the US, that white couple next door from the JCrew ad still thinks I have an accent when speaking English. Come on guys, really? I know all my Chinese American friends have that Chinese American accent, but not me.

I speak and write Chinese, barely. Good enough to fool the uninformed and bad enough for all real Chinese people to say, "Let's speak English instead". My non-Chinese friends think I'm so awesome because I'm multilingual. But my Chinese mother is constantly frustrated trying to decipher what I'm trying to say when I'm speaking Chinese, "Hey, how come you speak Chinese so bad? As your mother, I have failed you."

Culturally, I sort of understand Chinese culture and I sort of understand American culture. Any of my white ex-pat friends who have worked in a China for a couple of years understand the Chinese better than I do. At the same time, I never really figured out the American culture because once I came home from school I was constantly being brainwashed on the Ways of China by my mother and father.

Most of this stuff I'll never admit to in person, but this is the Internet so everything's game.

This is who I am. I'm neither Chinese nor American. I am Chinese and Confused in America. It comes with the package of being Chinese American. Cheers.